A Woman's Rage

I lived in rage for 10 years and I didn’t know it

I would get glimpses of it

Visions of angry swarming bees 

In a dragons breath

And a lions roar

Would fill my dreams

But it wasn’t the type of red hot anger

That would yell and scream

Or stamp it’s feet in frustration

It was a white hot rage

So hot it was no longer inflamed... it was deadening my body

When I was growing up

Anger was not loud or scary 

It was silent and suppressed

I would eat it at the dinner table 

And bury it deep in my body

Anger was not talked about

It was ignored and shunned

Only to be seen in passive aggressive remarks

Or sarcastic degrading comments

Anger was not outwardly expressed in our home

And as the years went by

This anger grew inside of me

And it would show itself

In red inflamed rashes

Around my nose, mouth and eyes

As a constriction in my throat 

Lethargy and exhaustion in my soul

Finger pointing and blaming

Victimhood and shame 

A sense of profound powerlessness 

Then when I birthed a daughter

So full of expression

And loud with her emotion

I didn’t know what to do

She shined a light

On all of my tamed rage within

And my daughter’s 2, 3, 4, 5 year old self

Triggered my 2, 3, 4, 5 year old self

My unconscious was dredged 

From the depths of the ocean bed

And I was forced to face my deepest fear

The fear I had of my own 

Soul destroying anger

That I was so ashamed of

So resentful of

So terrified of what it could do

And there I stood

With a tantruming toddler

Kicking and screaming

Like a caged wild animal

And I just wanted to put my hands 

Over my ears and run away

I wanted someone else

To deal with her tantrums

I wanted someone else

To parent for me

I didn’t know what to do

Or where to go

But I stayed

And I breathed

Time and time again

I stayed and I found 

The courage to allow her

To feel her anger and fear

And I allowed myself to feel it too

And I am so thankful

So grateful for my daughter 

For her unique medicine she brings to the world

She is a powerful being 

And she has taught me to reclaim my own power

From all that parts of myself

That I shunned away and denied

She teaches me about compassion

And unconditional love

Like no other being on this planet ever could

She has taught me to express myself

And own all of me, rage included

For this makes me the whole human

That I am 

Your anger and rage hold a powerful message beautiful woman. It’s time to feel it, to reconcile with all parts of yourself and allow yourself to be whole again. For this is where your true power lies. 

Reclaim your power courageous one. Own your rage and let it light the way to where in your life you need to shift and change. Anger is the energy of transformation and it’s time to transform.

Love Fiona xo